Think of you

I’ll think of you as the stars start to fade,
as the moon wanes

I’ll think of you in half a light,
because you’re all the brightness I need

And when the candle burns out,
the old, wooden, rusty table
will bear witness to the time I thought of you
Used and beaten, like burned with anger

I’ll think of you with a tear in my eye
which will run down my face to meet my smile

And my brooding eyes will face the ceiling,
burning with questions, always burning

Afraid to hold you, afraid to let you go,
even though you’re only in my thoughts
An empty room

I’ll think of you as the dawn breaks,
you’ll rise with the sun

And in my thoughts, you’ll never run away
In my thoughts, there are no footsteps
walking away, for once, filling the empty space

In my thoughts, you decide to stay


I was: strong
All those visions never used to scare me because I,
Never for a moment let go off the truth, it consumed me.

I was: free
Because it was my birth right
But it was never so,
Hours spent,
Trying to find a way out,
Trying to find a way about,
The shocks never seemed to stop
Freedom: lost.

I had: faith
Because the strings were in the right hands,
But not forever,
If only I would’ve known,
And the faith I showed?

I was: never lonely.
All the smiling faces I saw,
Never thought them demented,
Because I knew till my last breath they would pray,
Because I believed some of them carried magical wands.

I: believed
In those tears.
I was a fool to all pretensions,
I believed in those laughs,
Never knew their purpose.

I was: never blind
Because strewn across my path wasn’t the dead
But the living,
So alike,
So alluring,
And so allusive,
Difficult to remain so.

I: never lied
Because things are meant to go wrong.
You’ve got to pay,
Because there isn’t something called perfection.
Shameful is not what I felt
Because I was never forced to lie
Because truth was what I chose,
Again and again.

I: loved
Because you’ve got to give your best,
Because a fraction behind is game lost,
And I believed in winning.

Yet I never knew
That thing weren’t what they were,
That these visions were my hallucinations,
Never knew that those chains were polished every night,
How could’ve I known?
Those things were deliberated to go out of my reach?

Never knew their presence suffocated me,
That those were cruel laughs,
Never knew, just never knew that they didn’t really care.
Never knew that they blindfolded me.

I wish I knew,
For all the things I couldn’t control.
But now isn’t the time to repent or regret,
Because I don’t want to hear myself say ‘I never knew’
Because I believe,
Because I live: to win
And now, I know.

Written: 2008

On my knees

I keep the phone down
Tears I wipe away
Happy memories I relive; the only relief
He said I am the most precious
And that I am his life
He said he’ll always be there to give me a hug
And that with me he is complete

When I cry, I cry alone
And when I bleed there is no one to care
And I am pleading, this isn’t true
He said he loves me and that he cares
But he left me when I needed him the most
Alone and so scared I prayed he’ll be there by my side
But through it I was alone
He said ‘I am sorry, It’s not me’
And it won’t happen again
But I am no saint; I feel pain

He needs to pretend
Is it reel in real?
Loving me short of enough?
And I want to believe ‘this isn’t him’

And I am on my knees now
And I don’t believe what I see
When I am with him, he is away
Without him, I lose it all

I look in the mirror
And I swear It’s not me
I try to detach
I nurse a thousand wounds
But I love him
And I am happy in my mind
Ignorance is bliss
And It’s true

I flinch at every word
And then I snap back
A sudden thought brings me to tears
And I swear It’s not me

I inch towards that blade
My only comfort
Pain makes me feel alive,
Blood in my veins,
And I am not dead yet

I want things to be fine again
Like the picture on my wall
I’ll just close my eyes
For now or forever
Dreams an escape
And I cling on to all I have

He says why don’t you say something,
And then he has had enough

Please I am on my knees now
Don’t you see my pain?
See my pain
I hide the tears I cry
Don’t see them, in the corner of my eyes

I need you so much
Why do you go away?
I am not myself
And I don’t believe what is happening

I want to free him of his burden
With me he pretends
Don’t want to cause him any pain
I’ll rather take it tenfold and god you do know it

But I know what he would say
No other way for him
And I know I am already dead
Scared to say anything more

Please I am begging now
And I am on my knees
All I ask of you is – love me, all over again.

Still be loving you

If I could still hug you,
you won’t see me shiver.
And if I could still be there by your side,
You won’t see my pain.

So maybe tomorrow you won’t know me but I’ll still be loving you.

And if you’ll still touch me,
you won’t know my fears.
If you’ll still look into my eyes,
you won’t know the nights of waiting.

If you’ll still tell me you love me,
You won’t know it’s no longer me.
And you won’t know how afraid I am,
What if my heart just tears?

Maybe tomorrow you won’t know me but I’ll still be loving you.

You may know me to be the same, an image in your head,
maybe, maybe I would cease to exist for me.
But I’ll be there for you,
always thinking I can’t leave you,
because how will I live without you.

And I swear you won’t see any tears,
you won’t see my scars,
because, that’s how much I love you.

So maybe tomorrow you won’t know me but I’ll still be loving you.

For that sun

All were smiling, where is my right?
I am his child, I am everyone.
Sold the cross for that sun.

Every step taken, they climbed higher,
What if I chose the easier way?
Lost some; gained so much more.
Sold the cross: I crave that sun.

All were nothing else but obstacles,
Overstepping, a necessity.
Turned deaf: I just want to speak now.
Sold the cross: I need that sun.

I won’t justify my actions,
Those were just a few things I had to do.
The picture is bigger, it is better.
I made it happen,
I’ll take the credit, thank you.
So what if I sold the cross?
I deserve that sun.

All those, rightfully his
Tried to bring me back, full circle.
But they forgot, they taught me a trick or two.
I sold the cross: I got that sun.