Think of you

I’ll think of you as the stars start to fade,
as the moon wanes

I’ll think of you in half a light,
because you’re all the brightness I need

And when the candle burns out,
the old, wooden, rusty table
will bear witness to the time I thought of you
Used and beaten, like burned with anger

I’ll think of you with a tear in my eye
which will run down my face to meet my smile

And my brooding eyes will face the ceiling,
burning with questions, always burning

Afraid to hold you, afraid to let you go,
even though you’re only in my thoughts
An empty room

I’ll think of you as the dawn breaks,
you’ll rise with the sun

And in my thoughts, you’ll never run away
In my thoughts, there are no footsteps
walking away, for once, filling the empty space

In my thoughts, you decide to stay

On my knees

I keep the phone down
Tears I wipe away
Happy memories I relive; the only relief
He said I am the most precious
And that I am his life
He said he’ll always be there to give me a hug
And that with me he is complete

When I cry, I cry alone
And when I bleed there is no one to care
And I am pleading, this isn’t true
He said he loves me and that he cares
But he left me when I needed him the most
Alone and so scared I prayed he’ll be there by my side
But through it I was alone
He said ‘I am sorry, It’s not me’
And it won’t happen again
But I am no saint; I feel pain

He needs to pretend
Is it reel in real?
Loving me short of enough?
And I want to believe ‘this isn’t him’

And I am on my knees now
And I don’t believe what I see
When I am with him, he is away
Without him, I lose it all

I look in the mirror
And I swear It’s not me
I try to detach
I nurse a thousand wounds
But I love him
And I am happy in my mind
Ignorance is bliss
And It’s true

I flinch at every word
And then I snap back
A sudden thought brings me to tears
And I swear It’s not me

I inch towards that blade
My only comfort
Pain makes me feel alive,
Blood in my veins,
And I am not dead yet

I want things to be fine again
Like the picture on my wall
I’ll just close my eyes
For now or forever
Dreams an escape
And I cling on to all I have

He says why don’t you say something,
And then he has had enough

Please I am on my knees now
Don’t you see my pain?
See my pain
I hide the tears I cry
Don’t see them, in the corner of my eyes

I need you so much
Why do you go away?
I am not myself
And I don’t believe what is happening

I want to free him of his burden
With me he pretends
Don’t want to cause him any pain
I’ll rather take it tenfold and god you do know it

But I know what he would say
No other way for him
And I know I am already dead
Scared to say anything more

Please I am begging now
And I am on my knees
All I ask of you is – love me, all over again.


Pain killing from inside
Spreads slowly but surely
Makes way for my heart
Kills me, yes kills me.

It’s not a feeling that I feel anymore
It’s my state, seems to stay
Deep hurt leave wounds untended, bleeding freely
I am tired of crying, feeling pain like this
I want this to end; I want it to end now

Searching for a way out
I seem to be lost
Looking for a reason for such actions
Find none; I cry.

Screaming for help but nobody’s there
It’s as if it’s me, am I dirty?
Then why is nobody caring;
I loved so much.

I am destined or do I deserve?
Ask god for the first time; he too shies away.
And I am left alone; so alone.