On my knees

I keep the phone down
Tears I wipe away
Happy memories I relive; the only relief
He said I am the most precious
And that I am his life
He said he’ll always be there to give me a hug
And that with me he is complete

When I cry, I cry alone
And when I bleed there is no one to care
And I am pleading, this isn’t true
He said he loves me and that he cares
But he left me when I needed him the most
Alone and so scared I prayed he’ll be there by my side
But through it I was alone
He said ‘I am sorry, It’s not me’
And it won’t happen again
But I am no saint; I feel pain

He needs to pretend
Is it reel in real?
Loving me short of enough?
And I want to believe ‘this isn’t him’

And I am on my knees now
And I don’t believe what I see
When I am with him, he is away
Without him, I lose it all

I look in the mirror
And I swear It’s not me
I try to detach
I nurse a thousand wounds
But I love him
And I am happy in my mind
Ignorance is bliss
And It’s true

I flinch at every word
And then I snap back
A sudden thought brings me to tears
And I swear It’s not me

I inch towards that blade
My only comfort
Pain makes me feel alive,
Blood in my veins,
And I am not dead yet

I want things to be fine again
Like the picture on my wall
I’ll just close my eyes
For now or forever
Dreams an escape
And I cling on to all I have

He says why don’t you say something,
And then he has had enough

Please I am on my knees now
Don’t you see my pain?
See my pain
I hide the tears I cry
Don’t see them, in the corner of my eyes

I need you so much
Why do you go away?
I am not myself
And I don’t believe what is happening

I want to free him of his burden
With me he pretends
Don’t want to cause him any pain
I’ll rather take it tenfold and god you do know it

But I know what he would say
No other way for him
And I know I am already dead
Scared to say anything more

Please I am begging now
And I am on my knees
All I ask of you is – love me, all over again.