I…

I was: strong
All those visions never used to scare me because I,
Never for a moment let go off the truth, it consumed me.

I was: free
Because it was my birth right
But it was never so,
Hours spent,
Trying to find a way out,
Trying to find a way about,
The shocks never seemed to stop
Freedom: lost.

I had: faith
Because the strings were in the right hands,
But not forever,
If only I would’ve known,
And the faith I showed?

I was: never lonely.
All the smiling faces I saw,
Never thought them demented,
Because I knew till my last breath they would pray,
Because I believed some of them carried magical wands.

I: believed
In those tears.
I was a fool to all pretensions,
I believed in those laughs,
Never knew their purpose.

I was: never blind
Because strewn across my path wasn’t the dead
But the living,
So alike,
So alluring,
And so allusive,
Difficult to remain so.

I: never lied
Because things are meant to go wrong.
You’ve got to pay,
Because there isn’t something called perfection.
Shameful is not what I felt
Because I was never forced to lie
Because truth was what I chose,
Again and again.

I: loved
Because you’ve got to give your best,
Because a fraction behind is game lost,
And I believed in winning.

Yet I never knew
That thing weren’t what they were,
That these visions were my hallucinations,
Never knew that those chains were polished every night,
How could’ve I known?
Those things were deliberated to go out of my reach?

Never knew their presence suffocated me,
That those were cruel laughs,
Never knew, just never knew that they didn’t really care.
Never knew that they blindfolded me.

I wish I knew,
For all the things I couldn’t control.
But now isn’t the time to repent or regret,
Because I don’t want to hear myself say ‘I never knew’
Because I believe,
Because I live: to win
And now, I know.

Written: 2008

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